It's so cold when he's not around...

I float until I sink and get swallowed up.
It's so cold when he's not around...
I wait for him to come home and tell me I'll be fine.

-- Motion City Soundtrack

I'm HAPPY!!!

Yay Christmas

I bought all my presents for my friends...
and I figured out where I want to go to school..
ALL for under $30!

My Skeletons

In case you can't tell what they say... Let me type them out for you.

1. I am a pessimistic, self-loathing narcissist.

2. I am about 90% sure my depression/anger issues/mood swings can be attributed to my menstrual cycle.

3. I wish I could eat like a normal person.

4. I lie compulsively over stupid stuff to sound more interesting.

5. I love older men. My last date was 10 years older than me!

6. I am so afraid of getting my wisdom teeth removed because of all the pain I'll be in. I HATE PAIN!

7. A normal person would react happily to good news. I get angry or upset. WTF is wrong with me?

8. Blood tests say I have no imbalance... WTF is wrong with me?

9. I got waitlisted by my dream school. I TOLD EVERYONE ELSE I GOT ACCEPTED!

10. I wish God would take me off hold and tell me what's going on.

11. I'm afraid my parents have given up on me, just like my birthparents.

12. The one person I thought I had a future with TORE MY HEART UP and will not take the pieces off of the bottom of his shoes. HE CHANGED ME FOR THE WORSE.

13. To me, reaching out to people = pulling teeth!

14. I am TERRIFIED of getting hurt... Again.

15. God's supposed to make me HAPPY, but I'm NOT.

16. 164 lbs. 5'4". Size 12/13 (prolly 14 now). I AM FAT.

17. I hate crying. It makes people think I'm weak... or worse.. vulnerable.

The Truth

No matter how much makeup I put on, I will still be ugly.  

  

No matter how many layers of clothes I put on, I will still be fat.  

  

No matter how many stupid jokes I tell, I will still never make the right people laugh.  

  

No matter how much studying I do, I will still be dumb.  

  

No matter how much I try to be happy, I will always be sad.  

  

No matter how much I try my best, my parents will always be prouder of my brother.  

  

No matter how much sarcasm I use, I will always hurt the wrong person.  

  

No matter how much I reach out to people, I will always get burned.  

  

No matter how much I try, I will always be second best.  

Therapy?

So I took this aptitude test and it says I should be a therapist of some sort, like Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy, or Music Therapy.  

The Bureau of Labor Statistics did not list Music Therapy, but it did list Occupational and Speech Therapy. For both jobs, they said I should have at least a Master's Degree.  

That's SCARY!  

:S How am I going to manage that?  

Boy Trouble

"So how old is he?" 

Twenty-eight. 

"And how many kids does he have?"

Two. 

"Was he married?" 

Yeah, he's divorced now.

 

"Where are his kids now?" 

In Dallas, with his ex-wife. 

"Does any of that bother you?"

No. 

Yes. 

"Why him?"

I don't know, we just enjoy each other's company.

Because you didn't ask me, and you probably never will. 

"Why not someone your age? I bet someone will listen to you that's not ten years older than you..."  

Is that an offer? (laugh and change the subject)

No seriously, is that an offer? Because we would be great. 

--

What is so wrong with me that you don't want me? 

I was wrong to say no when we met. 

Give me another chance. I'll make you happy. You make me happy. 

You're the only one who laughs at my jokes. 

You make me want to be myself. And I am.

I think you're hilarious, and you are such a gentleman. 

You really should have more girls in your line. Maybe there are, you never talk about them.   

But you're just a boy. You don't understand. 

I love you, you idiot. 

My Hangup(s)

Here is my problem:

I fell hard for a boy. Harder than ever before.

I could have sworn we were meant to be together. He said he felt the same.

I had never let my guard down this fast or this much for anyone. Ever.

And then he took my heart and sqashed it like a cockroach.

CRUNCH!

But not only did I lose my boyfriend, but I lost my best good friends. 

That was three months ago. I've put myself up in this stupid little box hiding from everyone. It protects me from being hurt by any other human being ever again. 

It also made me really lonely.

And since no matter what I say to him, he is not offended or hurt, I've become a monster and have taken it out on others.

I've become this ragingly negative cynic. I don't care about anyone else because if/when I do, they will turn around and hurt me, and I don't want that.

And as much as getting hurt again scares me, I am a people person and I can't live without them.

I'm lonely.

I've tried reaching out to people, but it doesn't work. People have given up on me. I wish I could just start over with everyone. I'm working on it. Until then, here I sit. It's so sad that instead of talking to real people this is what I do instead.

I'm almost positive

that no one would notice if I disappeared.

Hide the Mind-Altering Drugs!

My parents have been shockingly cavalier and leniant about a lot of things lately. 

I come home late, they don't throw too much of a fit if I come in and tell them I'm home. 

They find a pint of rum in my closet and do nothing. 

I tell them I want to drop Calculus, they give me the go-ahead. 

What are they on? Seriously! Normally they would never act like this. 

I think it's because I'll be gone this time next year and they're like, "Whatev." 

I don't know. I'm not trying to question a seemingly good thing, but this is not normal.

This is Goodbye, This is The End.

So I'm getting out of Calculus. 

I don't know what I'm going to do about it. 

I've never failed, nor quit anything in my life. 

 

Well, academically speaking. 

But now I'm just worried about the future again. 

Is this going to affect my chances of getting into some of the schools I apply to? 

 

Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but it just rubs me the wrong way that I'm actually doing this. I'm actually dropping a class. 

 

What am I doing? 

No Future, No Future for Me...

I have a 64% in Calculus.

There is a good chance that I'm going to get an F on my report card.  

I've never failed a class, and this is the worst possible time to fail.  

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Sleep Deprivation

So I proposed my method of paying for school to my mom, out of fear of how Dad would react. 

She was kind of shocked, which is what I was hoping for (like, shocked at my geniousness), but not the kind of shocked I was expecting. 

I told her that $2000 is a mere fraction of the cost of college, and I would hate to see him react to the bill from the school I choose to attend, even if he was having a bad day before that (which was the case with the wisdom teeth).  

I also told her that I didn't want her to have to work full-time to help pay for my college fund. I felt like that would not be good for Marc. 

Then I said, I think it would be a good idea for me to pay for college with just about any student and federal loan I can get. 

She looked kind of taken aback at first, and then she said, "Surely you didn't expect us to just not pay at all..." 

Well, no, but I'm sure we all want Dad to not suffer an early death due to all this stress he seems to be having over me going to college, good day or bad day.  

She didn't dish the plan, which is half of what I was expecting. That's good, I guess. The other half of my expectations were that she would get mad and give me a "Don't Bite the Hand that Feeds You" speech.   

It's 2AM right now and I can't sleep because I'm thinking about how Dad's going to react to this idea... 

We now return to your regularly scheduled blog...

I really don't mean to sound so depressing all the time.

My family is just dysfunctional, and they've decided to open a whole new can of crazy this year.

But I think I decided on how I'm paying for college: Loans.

Maybe that will shut this said can.

But every time that thought runs through my brain, they pull out a brand new one.

This is the first week we're having BS without Eryen.

It shouldn't be a big deal but Hilary and I are like, what are we going to do?

We'll figure it out. 

I butchered a Beatles song today!

myspace.com/paigereynoldsmusic

if you wanna check it...

I'm about ready to explode.

Just when things get good...

Just when I think maybe I don't have to worry about something...

Dad loses it over the cost of the extraction of my wisdom teeth, and goes MIA. 

Just up and leaves the house.

[He came back, but I'm not speaking to him]

I'm considering going to the bank and getting some loans so I can just go to college and pay for it by myself and when I get a job, immediately pay them off.

Of course, Mom is making excuses for Dad.

There is no excuse for his immaturity. 

I need to find something to take my mind off of this.

I think I want to go to West Texas A&M or North Texas.

Both are far away enough and I don't know too many people at either school. 

Actually, I don't know anyone at UNT.

Both have pretty good Communications and Music programs.

I'm finding some closure on that at least...

...Finally.

Triumph!

God is around when He is silent! I hope I didn't give anyone the wrong idea with that last post. It may go in the garbage soon... I was so depressed.

So... I think I may know what I want to major in. 

My dad calls this the major of the week, but I'm pretty serious about it. I'm thinking about majoring in Communications/Advertising or Communications/Journalism.

It's something to put on the application, at the very least.

E-Byrd is going to the land of the Indians. 'Tis a sad day, but she'll be having an awesome time, I reckon. I'm jealous, she gets to drink all these awesome exotic teas. -__-

And um. I'm going to lunch with a really hot guy tomorrow. He has potential. :P We'll see how that goes (Al/Jessica you may know him... hahah).

It's time for bed. G'night.

Sick and Tired

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Ever since Storm and I broke up, the few guys that were lined up waiting for that day all disappeared.

I'll always be cute, never pretty or hot or beautiful. Just plain ol' good girl cute. 

I want to vomit.

I don't look great right now because I've put on 20 pounds and can't seem to get my face to quit breaking out.

Wanna know why?

I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, where I want to live my life next year, how to deal with my never-understanding parents on a day-to-day basis, my freakin' hard Pre-Area music, and how in the hell we're going to find this money to send me away. 

I'm depressed.

The only thing that's keeping me from going off the edge is my guitar and the few friends I have.

God's been giving me the silent treatment lately.

I swear, there are days where I just want to take a bath with my toaster, or some electrical appliance.

I told my dad that this whole college thing was stressing me out to the point that I wanted to go play Frogger and not come back and he said "Well, a funeral is definitely cheaper..."

What kind of father says that?

I'd like to think it's all going to be okay, but it's not. 

Well, it's not looking okay right now.

I needed to vent. I'm sorry for this. Really and truly.

This may go private later... I haven't decided.

The Future Freaks Me Out

We were talking in English last week about how there is quite possibly a conspiracy with this whole increasing the amount of credits needed to graduate and things of that nature.

I think there is a conspiracy that the government is increasing the educational workload to weed out dropouts. The dropouts then form the working class.

And if we don't have a working class, who's going to put the ice in the cups?

The discussion was a lot longer and more drawn-out than the above, but it really got me thinking about how blessed those of us with highly functional brains who could take on the next round of education known as college and/or university really are.

And then you start to think about the colleges and universities you can or can't get into. That part is kind of discouraging, too (unless you're in the top 10%).

And if that's not discouraging enough, there is also the element of cost.

"It's too expensive."

"I'll never get that scholarship."

"I can't afford the gas to go there."

I could sit here for half my life coming up with excuses.

The numbers rise in the working class.

Am I alone in thinking that is a tad bit frightening?

If these kids I'm in school with right now don't realize their potential to go to college and be somebody and be successful, that could be them. 

I'm terrified. 

I am SO Scared.

Yesterday I filled out my first college application and sent it in. There is a really good chance I'm not going to be accepted, much less able to afford to go there.

My grades aren't great right now and I am so scared of not being accepted to any colleges I apply to. I need to get out of this town, fast.

My grandfather gave me about $6,000 for college. He's done the same for all of my cousins/his grandkids, but I'm almost positive that the amount of money they received would've gotten them a bit further in college than what I got. College is REALLY expensive, especially with this economic depression we're having or fixing to have... whatever, it's coming, if it's not here already.

I don't think my parents realize how scared I am of not being accepted. They both went to university --UNIVERSITY!!-- and the same is expected of me. I wish I was slow like my brother, so they didn't expect much of me. 

Everyone keeps saying "Oh, you can always go to Midland College..." It's not for me. I would feel so bad about myself for going to a community college. Like I couldn't get accepted anywhere else; like I can't afford to go somewhere else. I don't know. It's a good school, it's just not for me.

People keep telling me I can't live my life in fear, but I'm pretty sure they have nothing to worry about like I do.

This was not originally meant to be a big whining post, but that's what it turned into. Sorry!!

Things I Will Probably Never Understand

1. Why the Jonas Brothers are such a big deal (no offense)

2. Why I'll never be anyone's first choice

3. Why boys lie

4. Why my dad loves his job more than his family

5. Calculus. Plain & Simple.

6. God's plan for me.

7. Men.

8. Economics.

9. Why my dad's side of the family is so dysfunctional.

10. Why anyone would want to kill John Lennon.

11. Chemistry. Like, the school subject, not a spark between people. I understand the people one.

12. Why heelies were invented.

13. Low carb diets.

14. Kabbala and all Kabbala-related products.

15. Talk shows.

16. Testosterone.

17. Estrogen.

18. Why people commit hate crimes.

19. The Gay/Lesbian Community.

20. The Federalist Papers.

Untitled.

I sang your songs, I danced your dance
I gave your friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth ever having you
Maybe you've been through this before,
but it's my first time, so please ignore
the next few lines, 'cause they're directed at you:
I can't always be waiting on you
I can't always be playing the fool....

Did you think I really didn't care enough about you to not want to do something with you more than once a week? I was so excited about summer, because you and I would get to spend more time together. I should've dropped you like you were going out of style the first time I had doubts about us. That way you would've been the one whose heart was broken and lonely, like the last time we tried this.
But no, I saw potential. I thought this could go far. I trusted your judgement when you proposed a higher level of commitment. I really loved you, and I was really ready, but I guess your mouth ran quicker than your mind on that one... if your mind ran at all. I can't believe how stupid I was.

Every time that you speak her name,
Does she know how you told me that you'd hold me
Until you died, 'til you died,
But you're still alive.

How can you be over this so quickly? You knew there were other guys who wanted me to break up with you just so I could be available for them to date me. I told you about these idiots so you'd stand up for me against them. I guess I didn't mean enough to you because 9 times out of 10, I had to do it myself. Let me tell you though, I was called some mean things for not breaking up with you for them, and you got a few nasty nicknames yourself. You'll never know how much I put up with just for you. Don't even get me started on your friends...
I swear to God, it was tempting to leave you for one of them, but I stuck with you instead because I really believed it could work if I stayed.
You know, I honestly wouldn't be suprised if you had your toes crossed or lied through your teeth when you said you weren't interested in dating other girls. How could I have been so stupid? I swear I don't know how I let my guard down as fast as I did. Rest assured I'll never do it again.

Strange that I was wrong enough
to think you'd love me, too
You must have been kissing a fool...

I can't believe I fell for the oldest avoidance excuse in the book.

"My phone's not working..."

I can't believe how stupid I was! I actually though you wanted to talk to me, but couldn't. Storm, I thought we were in this for the long haul. Your reason as to why you waited a whole week until we saw each other to break up is almost as much B.S. as your excuse for not answering your phone. What makes you think I gave a rat's behind about your character when it came to us breaking up? If you really had an ounce of respect for me, you would have just done it right then and there on the first day of school when I had you on the line.
I have to hand it to you, you are fantastic at misleading people. Here I thought you still really cared about me as much as I did you, but no. You "just don't care".
I can't believe you. I hope you meet a girl who's about twice as good-looking as you, tells you everything you want to hear, seduces you into letting your guard down to the point that you fall hard for her. And then one day, she slaps you hard across the face and says "I just don't care about you anymore!" I hope you break.

What's Going to Happen?

What's going to happen?

What does the future hold?

So many things that I put off, assuming I'd have time, assuming I'd grow old.

What's going to happen?

And will I be alive tomorrow?

What's going to happen... to me?

You're going to be okay.

That's what's going to happen.

Everything's okay.

We're right here beside you.

We won't let you slip away.

Plan for tomorrow,

We swear to you,

You're going to be okay.

I wish the Scrubs cast would stand by my bed and sing to me....

I've been so depressed lately about the future. Since Storm and I split, the future has been really opaque.

In 4 days, I'm going to turn 18. I'm scared.

I'm no Superman...

I can't get over it.

I really can't.

I can't do this all on my own...
I know, cuz I'm no Superman.

Every new Beginning comes from some other Beginning's End....

Yesterday marked the end of my first two weeks as a senior in high school.

After one week into senior year, my boyfriend of five and a half months (it seemed so much longer than that) decided he didn't care anymore and broke it off.

Also, during that weekend, my best friend from Saudi (whom I hadn't seen in 3 years) came to visit me, and I had to drive her to the airport at the beginning of the week, which brought me to tears.

Senior year so far is turning out to be kind of depressing.

I got a call from an admissions counselor from the university I really want to go to next year wanting to schedule a campus visit and was encouraging me to apply online.

And, of course, the million dollar question somehow found its way in: she asked me what I want to do with my life. Like I know! Up until this point, someone else has decided that for me, as it has been with all the other major decisions in my life, like where I work, where I go to school, what car I'm going to drive, who I associate with, where I go to church, the list goes on... It really hasn't occurred to me yet that I'm going to be making it on my own a year from now until [if] I get married, which could be ten years down the road, IF it happens at all.

Just yesterday, someone asked me who I wanted to vote for. It didn't hit me that I had to make that decision. I just thought my parents would hold my hand into the booth and press my finger on the screen to who they want me to vote for.

I've been trying to figure out what I want for my future. Who I want running the country, who I want to see in the mirror, what I want to do.... and I just don't know.

It's sad, but I've been focusing more on how I'm going to function without Storm.  We made it from Spring Break to the first week of Senior Year. That's a long time in high school.

But now that we're not together anymore, I'm stuck in this really awkward, lonely void, where I don't really have any close friends from school. I have acquaintances. And it SUCKS! I don't know what to do with myself on weekends, so most of the time, I get on my laptop, and I watch Scrubs online. If I get a call, I'll go out, because those calls are so few and far between.

So until I get out of this awkward, lonely, post-longterm-relationship phase, I'm stuck wondering how I'm going to get back on my feet.

It's times like this I wish someone else would go through my life for me....