I am SO Scared.

Yesterday I filled out my first college application and sent it in. There is a really good chance I'm not going to be accepted, much less able to afford to go there.

My grades aren't great right now and I am so scared of not being accepted to any colleges I apply to. I need to get out of this town, fast.

My grandfather gave me about $6,000 for college. He's done the same for all of my cousins/his grandkids, but I'm almost positive that the amount of money they received would've gotten them a bit further in college than what I got. College is REALLY expensive, especially with this economic depression we're having or fixing to have... whatever, it's coming, if it's not here already.

I don't think my parents realize how scared I am of not being accepted. They both went to university --UNIVERSITY!!-- and the same is expected of me. I wish I was slow like my brother, so they didn't expect much of me. 

Everyone keeps saying "Oh, you can always go to Midland College..." It's not for me. I would feel so bad about myself for going to a community college. Like I couldn't get accepted anywhere else; like I can't afford to go somewhere else. I don't know. It's a good school, it's just not for me.

People keep telling me I can't live my life in fear, but I'm pretty sure they have nothing to worry about like I do.

This was not originally meant to be a big whining post, but that's what it turned into. Sorry!!

Things I Will Probably Never Understand

1. Why the Jonas Brothers are such a big deal (no offense)

2. Why I'll never be anyone's first choice

3. Why boys lie

4. Why my dad loves his job more than his family

5. Calculus. Plain & Simple.

6. God's plan for me.

7. Men.

8. Economics.

9. Why my dad's side of the family is so dysfunctional.

10. Why anyone would want to kill John Lennon.

11. Chemistry. Like, the school subject, not a spark between people. I understand the people one.

12. Why heelies were invented.

13. Low carb diets.

14. Kabbala and all Kabbala-related products.

15. Talk shows.

16. Testosterone.

17. Estrogen.

18. Why people commit hate crimes.

19. The Gay/Lesbian Community.

20. The Federalist Papers.

Untitled.

I sang your songs, I danced your dance
I gave your friends all a chance
Putting up with them wasn't worth ever having you
Maybe you've been through this before,
but it's my first time, so please ignore
the next few lines, 'cause they're directed at you:
I can't always be waiting on you
I can't always be playing the fool....

Did you think I really didn't care enough about you to not want to do something with you more than once a week? I was so excited about summer, because you and I would get to spend more time together. I should've dropped you like you were going out of style the first time I had doubts about us. That way you would've been the one whose heart was broken and lonely, like the last time we tried this.
But no, I saw potential. I thought this could go far. I trusted your judgement when you proposed a higher level of commitment. I really loved you, and I was really ready, but I guess your mouth ran quicker than your mind on that one... if your mind ran at all. I can't believe how stupid I was.

Every time that you speak her name,
Does she know how you told me that you'd hold me
Until you died, 'til you died,
But you're still alive.

How can you be over this so quickly? You knew there were other guys who wanted me to break up with you just so I could be available for them to date me. I told you about these idiots so you'd stand up for me against them. I guess I didn't mean enough to you because 9 times out of 10, I had to do it myself. Let me tell you though, I was called some mean things for not breaking up with you for them, and you got a few nasty nicknames yourself. You'll never know how much I put up with just for you. Don't even get me started on your friends...
I swear to God, it was tempting to leave you for one of them, but I stuck with you instead because I really believed it could work if I stayed.
You know, I honestly wouldn't be suprised if you had your toes crossed or lied through your teeth when you said you weren't interested in dating other girls. How could I have been so stupid? I swear I don't know how I let my guard down as fast as I did. Rest assured I'll never do it again.

Strange that I was wrong enough
to think you'd love me, too
You must have been kissing a fool...

I can't believe I fell for the oldest avoidance excuse in the book.

"My phone's not working..."

I can't believe how stupid I was! I actually though you wanted to talk to me, but couldn't. Storm, I thought we were in this for the long haul. Your reason as to why you waited a whole week until we saw each other to break up is almost as much B.S. as your excuse for not answering your phone. What makes you think I gave a rat's behind about your character when it came to us breaking up? If you really had an ounce of respect for me, you would have just done it right then and there on the first day of school when I had you on the line.
I have to hand it to you, you are fantastic at misleading people. Here I thought you still really cared about me as much as I did you, but no. You "just don't care".
I can't believe you. I hope you meet a girl who's about twice as good-looking as you, tells you everything you want to hear, seduces you into letting your guard down to the point that you fall hard for her. And then one day, she slaps you hard across the face and says "I just don't care about you anymore!" I hope you break.

What's Going to Happen?

What's going to happen?

What does the future hold?

So many things that I put off, assuming I'd have time, assuming I'd grow old.

What's going to happen?

And will I be alive tomorrow?

What's going to happen... to me?

You're going to be okay.

That's what's going to happen.

Everything's okay.

We're right here beside you.

We won't let you slip away.

Plan for tomorrow,

We swear to you,

You're going to be okay.

I wish the Scrubs cast would stand by my bed and sing to me....

I've been so depressed lately about the future. Since Storm and I split, the future has been really opaque.

In 4 days, I'm going to turn 18. I'm scared.

I'm no Superman...

I can't get over it.

I really can't.

I can't do this all on my own...
I know, cuz I'm no Superman.

Every new Beginning comes from some other Beginning's End....

Yesterday marked the end of my first two weeks as a senior in high school.

After one week into senior year, my boyfriend of five and a half months (it seemed so much longer than that) decided he didn't care anymore and broke it off.

Also, during that weekend, my best friend from Saudi (whom I hadn't seen in 3 years) came to visit me, and I had to drive her to the airport at the beginning of the week, which brought me to tears.

Senior year so far is turning out to be kind of depressing.

I got a call from an admissions counselor from the university I really want to go to next year wanting to schedule a campus visit and was encouraging me to apply online.

And, of course, the million dollar question somehow found its way in: she asked me what I want to do with my life. Like I know! Up until this point, someone else has decided that for me, as it has been with all the other major decisions in my life, like where I work, where I go to school, what car I'm going to drive, who I associate with, where I go to church, the list goes on... It really hasn't occurred to me yet that I'm going to be making it on my own a year from now until [if] I get married, which could be ten years down the road, IF it happens at all.

Just yesterday, someone asked me who I wanted to vote for. It didn't hit me that I had to make that decision. I just thought my parents would hold my hand into the booth and press my finger on the screen to who they want me to vote for.

I've been trying to figure out what I want for my future. Who I want running the country, who I want to see in the mirror, what I want to do.... and I just don't know.

It's sad, but I've been focusing more on how I'm going to function without Storm.  We made it from Spring Break to the first week of Senior Year. That's a long time in high school.

But now that we're not together anymore, I'm stuck in this really awkward, lonely void, where I don't really have any close friends from school. I have acquaintances. And it SUCKS! I don't know what to do with myself on weekends, so most of the time, I get on my laptop, and I watch Scrubs online. If I get a call, I'll go out, because those calls are so few and far between.

So until I get out of this awkward, lonely, post-longterm-relationship phase, I'm stuck wondering how I'm going to get back on my feet.

It's times like this I wish someone else would go through my life for me....