The Truth

No matter how much makeup I put on, I will still be ugly.  

  

No matter how many layers of clothes I put on, I will still be fat.  

  

No matter how many stupid jokes I tell, I will still never make the right people laugh.  

  

No matter how much studying I do, I will still be dumb.  

  

No matter how much I try to be happy, I will always be sad.  

  

No matter how much I try my best, my parents will always be prouder of my brother.  

  

No matter how much sarcasm I use, I will always hurt the wrong person.  

  

No matter how much I reach out to people, I will always get burned.  

  

No matter how much I try, I will always be second best.  

Therapy?

So I took this aptitude test and it says I should be a therapist of some sort, like Occupational Therapy, Speech Therapy, or Music Therapy.  

The Bureau of Labor Statistics did not list Music Therapy, but it did list Occupational and Speech Therapy. For both jobs, they said I should have at least a Master's Degree.  

That's SCARY!  

:S How am I going to manage that?  

Boy Trouble

"So how old is he?" 

Twenty-eight. 

"And how many kids does he have?"

Two. 

"Was he married?" 

Yeah, he's divorced now.

 

"Where are his kids now?" 

In Dallas, with his ex-wife. 

"Does any of that bother you?"

No. 

Yes. 

"Why him?"

I don't know, we just enjoy each other's company.

Because you didn't ask me, and you probably never will. 

"Why not someone your age? I bet someone will listen to you that's not ten years older than you..."  

Is that an offer? (laugh and change the subject)

No seriously, is that an offer? Because we would be great. 

--

What is so wrong with me that you don't want me? 

I was wrong to say no when we met. 

Give me another chance. I'll make you happy. You make me happy. 

You're the only one who laughs at my jokes. 

You make me want to be myself. And I am.

I think you're hilarious, and you are such a gentleman. 

You really should have more girls in your line. Maybe there are, you never talk about them.   

But you're just a boy. You don't understand. 

I love you, you idiot. 

My Hangup(s)

Here is my problem:

I fell hard for a boy. Harder than ever before.

I could have sworn we were meant to be together. He said he felt the same.

I had never let my guard down this fast or this much for anyone. Ever.

And then he took my heart and sqashed it like a cockroach.

CRUNCH!

But not only did I lose my boyfriend, but I lost my best good friends. 

That was three months ago. I've put myself up in this stupid little box hiding from everyone. It protects me from being hurt by any other human being ever again. 

It also made me really lonely.

And since no matter what I say to him, he is not offended or hurt, I've become a monster and have taken it out on others.

I've become this ragingly negative cynic. I don't care about anyone else because if/when I do, they will turn around and hurt me, and I don't want that.

And as much as getting hurt again scares me, I am a people person and I can't live without them.

I'm lonely.

I've tried reaching out to people, but it doesn't work. People have given up on me. I wish I could just start over with everyone. I'm working on it. Until then, here I sit. It's so sad that instead of talking to real people this is what I do instead.

I'm almost positive

that no one would notice if I disappeared.

Hide the Mind-Altering Drugs!

My parents have been shockingly cavalier and leniant about a lot of things lately. 

I come home late, they don't throw too much of a fit if I come in and tell them I'm home. 

They find a pint of rum in my closet and do nothing. 

I tell them I want to drop Calculus, they give me the go-ahead. 

What are they on? Seriously! Normally they would never act like this. 

I think it's because I'll be gone this time next year and they're like, "Whatev." 

I don't know. I'm not trying to question a seemingly good thing, but this is not normal.

This is Goodbye, This is The End.

So I'm getting out of Calculus. 

I don't know what I'm going to do about it. 

I've never failed, nor quit anything in my life. 

 

Well, academically speaking. 

But now I'm just worried about the future again. 

Is this going to affect my chances of getting into some of the schools I apply to? 

 

Maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill but it just rubs me the wrong way that I'm actually doing this. I'm actually dropping a class. 

 

What am I doing? 

No Future, No Future for Me...

I have a 64% in Calculus.

There is a good chance that I'm going to get an F on my report card.  

I've never failed a class, and this is the worst possible time to fail.  

I don't know what I'm going to do.