Sleep Deprivation

So I proposed my method of paying for school to my mom, out of fear of how Dad would react. 

She was kind of shocked, which is what I was hoping for (like, shocked at my geniousness), but not the kind of shocked I was expecting. 

I told her that $2000 is a mere fraction of the cost of college, and I would hate to see him react to the bill from the school I choose to attend, even if he was having a bad day before that (which was the case with the wisdom teeth).  

I also told her that I didn't want her to have to work full-time to help pay for my college fund. I felt like that would not be good for Marc. 

Then I said, I think it would be a good idea for me to pay for college with just about any student and federal loan I can get. 

She looked kind of taken aback at first, and then she said, "Surely you didn't expect us to just not pay at all..." 

Well, no, but I'm sure we all want Dad to not suffer an early death due to all this stress he seems to be having over me going to college, good day or bad day.  

She didn't dish the plan, which is half of what I was expecting. That's good, I guess. The other half of my expectations were that she would get mad and give me a "Don't Bite the Hand that Feeds You" speech.   

It's 2AM right now and I can't sleep because I'm thinking about how Dad's going to react to this idea... 

We now return to your regularly scheduled blog...

I really don't mean to sound so depressing all the time.

My family is just dysfunctional, and they've decided to open a whole new can of crazy this year.

But I think I decided on how I'm paying for college: Loans.

Maybe that will shut this said can.

But every time that thought runs through my brain, they pull out a brand new one.

This is the first week we're having BS without Eryen.

It shouldn't be a big deal but Hilary and I are like, what are we going to do?

We'll figure it out. 

I butchered a Beatles song today!

myspace.com/paigereynoldsmusic

if you wanna check it...

I'm about ready to explode.

Just when things get good...

Just when I think maybe I don't have to worry about something...

Dad loses it over the cost of the extraction of my wisdom teeth, and goes MIA. 

Just up and leaves the house.

[He came back, but I'm not speaking to him]

I'm considering going to the bank and getting some loans so I can just go to college and pay for it by myself and when I get a job, immediately pay them off.

Of course, Mom is making excuses for Dad.

There is no excuse for his immaturity. 

I need to find something to take my mind off of this.

I think I want to go to West Texas A&M or North Texas.

Both are far away enough and I don't know too many people at either school. 

Actually, I don't know anyone at UNT.

Both have pretty good Communications and Music programs.

I'm finding some closure on that at least...

...Finally.

Triumph!

God is around when He is silent! I hope I didn't give anyone the wrong idea with that last post. It may go in the garbage soon... I was so depressed.

So... I think I may know what I want to major in. 

My dad calls this the major of the week, but I'm pretty serious about it. I'm thinking about majoring in Communications/Advertising or Communications/Journalism.

It's something to put on the application, at the very least.

E-Byrd is going to the land of the Indians. 'Tis a sad day, but she'll be having an awesome time, I reckon. I'm jealous, she gets to drink all these awesome exotic teas. -__-

And um. I'm going to lunch with a really hot guy tomorrow. He has potential. :P We'll see how that goes (Al/Jessica you may know him... hahah).

It's time for bed. G'night.

Sick and Tired

I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Ever since Storm and I broke up, the few guys that were lined up waiting for that day all disappeared.

I'll always be cute, never pretty or hot or beautiful. Just plain ol' good girl cute. 

I want to vomit.

I don't look great right now because I've put on 20 pounds and can't seem to get my face to quit breaking out.

Wanna know why?

I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, where I want to live my life next year, how to deal with my never-understanding parents on a day-to-day basis, my freakin' hard Pre-Area music, and how in the hell we're going to find this money to send me away. 

I'm depressed.

The only thing that's keeping me from going off the edge is my guitar and the few friends I have.

God's been giving me the silent treatment lately.

I swear, there are days where I just want to take a bath with my toaster, or some electrical appliance.

I told my dad that this whole college thing was stressing me out to the point that I wanted to go play Frogger and not come back and he said "Well, a funeral is definitely cheaper..."

What kind of father says that?

I'd like to think it's all going to be okay, but it's not. 

Well, it's not looking okay right now.

I needed to vent. I'm sorry for this. Really and truly.

This may go private later... I haven't decided.

The Future Freaks Me Out

We were talking in English last week about how there is quite possibly a conspiracy with this whole increasing the amount of credits needed to graduate and things of that nature.

I think there is a conspiracy that the government is increasing the educational workload to weed out dropouts. The dropouts then form the working class.

And if we don't have a working class, who's going to put the ice in the cups?

The discussion was a lot longer and more drawn-out than the above, but it really got me thinking about how blessed those of us with highly functional brains who could take on the next round of education known as college and/or university really are.

And then you start to think about the colleges and universities you can or can't get into. That part is kind of discouraging, too (unless you're in the top 10%).

And if that's not discouraging enough, there is also the element of cost.

"It's too expensive."

"I'll never get that scholarship."

"I can't afford the gas to go there."

I could sit here for half my life coming up with excuses.

The numbers rise in the working class.

Am I alone in thinking that is a tad bit frightening?

If these kids I'm in school with right now don't realize their potential to go to college and be somebody and be successful, that could be them. 

I'm terrified.